Enjoy Your Summer….

Monday, May 5th, 2008 @ 2:19PM

Here it is...For the Standard Examiner and posterity......5/3/08

Hey-

From time to time a write a little ‘sports related’ column for the Standard Examiner....
Keith Stubbs
http://www.keithstubbs.com
http://www.standard.net

Ahh, the weather is changing and temperatures are starting to warm up.  It feels like summertime is right around the corner. The snow has finally melted and the guy with a truck showed up to aerate my lawn.  Why do they even need to do that and what are those huge ‘tootsie roll’ looking things all over the yard?

The huge decision this week is when to begin wearing summer attire. Some people seem to jump the gun on this but I like to think it out.  I need to get some sunshine on my legs before I inflict the pale chalkiness on the unsuspecting.  I have my wrap-around sunglasses from Big Lot’s, T-shirt with the ‘Smith and Edwards’ logo, and some sweet cargo shorts I bought on sale at Sam’s Club.  All I need now is some sunscreen for my sparsely covered noggin and a new fanny pack.  Ok, I am ready.  Let’s roll!

The NBA playoffs are in full swing and now it is Lakers vs. Jazz.  College basketball has a new champion and I am actually starting to look at the box scores for Major League Baseball.
The schools will soon be out and vacation plans are being made all around us.  What to do?  How about Disneyland?  Lagoon?  Bear Lake?  Vegas?  Pocatello?  West Weber?  All great options.
However, it doesn’t really matter where you end up traveling but I do hope you enjoy your summer.

In that vein, I would like to wish a hearty ‘Enjoy your Summer‘ to some people who need it!

Enjoy your summer Isaiah Thomas. You are truly the Ken Lay of the sports world. The Isaiah Thomas era is finally over and the question is ‘What took so long?’ You are lucky to have the natural good looks of older Emmanuel Lewis. Let’s see, you destroyed the CBA, set back the progress of the Toronto Raptors and embarrassed the New York Knicks.  And the sexual harassment case....don’t you get it?  You are management, this is not an episode of Big Brother 6.

Enjoy your summer Houston Rockets.  It’s time to start over, again.  I think you could use a healthy “Skip 2 My Lou.”

Enjoy your summer Stephon Marbury.  You and your new Mike Tyson-esque persona has GMs running the other way. You are reminiscent of Wham’s George Michael - tons of talent with horrible decision making skills.  By the way, I tried your ‘Starbury One’ disposable shoes and they rubbed my ankles raw and I am really slow.

Enjoy your summer Roger Clemens. Go hide!  Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone? Your story is no doubt the biggest collapse of credibility since Tanya Harding (was she ever credible?).  Of course you didn’t use HGH or steroids, but you say your wife did.  Now word is out of a 10 year affair with a country singer you met at a karaoke bar when she was just 15-years-old?  Who is making your decisions Jerry Lee Lewis?

Enjoy your summer Yao Ming.  Will we see you at the Olympics in Beijing?

Enjoy your summer ‘Dancing with the Stars’. It is hard to believe I have watched as much of it as I have. I look forward to not seeing a freshly waxed metro-sexual ballroom dancer with tight stretchy pants with no pockets or zippers. Those pants are made for Blackjack dealers at a Winnemucca casino, not prime time television.

Enjoy your summer Seattle Sonics. Leaving Seattle won’t cure losing.  Kevin Durant can’t do it all. We will see you at the lottery!

Enjoy your summer athletes who use their heads for billboard advertising. First it was Dennis Rodman with the Chicago Bulls logo, then Anthony Mason with messages buzz-cut into his hair, and now journeyman Brian Skinner of the Phoenix Suns has dyed half his goatee blonde? I am all for self promotion and fashion but playing for seven different teams and averaging five points a game won’t get it done.  You must earn the right to look that ridiculous.

Enjoy your summer Miley Cyrus. I was so hoping the Vanity Fair photo scandal would make Utahns cough up their Stadium of Fire tickets.  Man, I need four, help!

Enjoy your summer!!

Keith Stubbs
Comedian, Radio Guy, Victim of Circumstance, Enabler, Cowboy Poet.......
http://www.keithstubbs.com