It’s that time of year! That’s right, it’s time for a whole slew of country artists to cover Christmas songs that we were already tired of hearing. Or even better, they’ll start releasing their own country Christmas albums, because who wouldn’t want to buy songs that they only play for two weeks in an entire year? To save you the pain of trying to find the good carols amidst the bad, we’ve compiled a list of the 12 strangest country Christmas songs that you really probably shouldn’t listen to more than once.
Without further ado, enjoy.
12. Kira Isabella – A Country Boy for Christmas
“Santa I’ve been awfully good
I’ve got one wish so if you could
Wrap him up as your leaving the north pole
He should stand 6 foot 2 with faded jeans and cowboy boots”
Because who wouldn’t want a complete stranger with a red bow standing under their Christmas tree in the morning?
11. Kenny Chesney – Christmas in Blue Chair Bay
“We cleared out a place in the sand for Dancer and Prancer to land
We saved the boat slip for Santa’s sleigh, it’s Christmas in Blue Chair Bay”
When listening to Christmas tunes, I am definitely looking to hear about being on a beach…
10. Phil Vassar – Let’s Make a Little Christmas Tonight
“Tree lights shine in your eyes. Mmm they sure do glow.
A little snow and Nat King Cole playin’ on the stereo.
Everything’s perfect and the world is just right.
Baby let’s make a little Christmas tonight”
Anyone else feeling a little uncomfortable?
9. George Strait – Christmas Cookies
“So now let me tell you the best part of it all
Every time she sticks another batch in the oven
There’s 15 minutes for some kissin’ and’a huggin’
That’s why I eat Christmas cookies all year long”
Again, feeling a little uncomfortable. Also, I’m not sure I can think of “Christmas cookies” in the same way anymore. Thanks for that, Mr. Strait.
8. Faith Hill – A Baby Changes Everything
“Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything”
I can’t get beyond the first verse. I just can’t. She gets a nod for the play on words I suppose?
7. Toby Keith – Hot Rod Sleigh
“It’s got a heater in the floorboard ’cause he’s gettin’ old, you know
And a windshield with the wipers should he happen on some snow”
Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit like an ode to automotive parts. Bravo.
6. Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
“When Leroy got to the North Pole, all the reindeer snickered and laughed
They never seen a deer in overalls and a John Deer tractor hat”
I’m just going to let this one speak for itself.
5. Brad Paisley – Penguin, James Penguin
“Not so very long ago, Santa didn’t need much help
But with more and more kids every year, he soon got overwhelmed
He told the elves one Christmas, we can’t do this anymore
Then a knight in shining polyester waddled through his door
And it was Penguin, James Penguin”
What? No. There are no holiday secret agent penguins. There just aren’t. And can we maybe try not to kill Christmas with technology references?
4. Willie Robertson & Luke Bryan – “Hairy Christmas”
“We got the pig, we got the turkey, we got the chicken, got the duck
Miss Kay’s in the kitchen, gonna light it up”
I refuse to listen to the entire song.
3. Brad Paisley (original Garth Brooks) – Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy
“Santa put his arm around mama and mama put her arm around him
So if Santa Claus ain’t daddy, well then I’m a gonna tell on them”
It’s a song about a kid thinking his mom is cheating on his dad with a beloved childhood idol. Super joyful and not at all traumatizing.
2. John Denver – Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
“You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.”
So, yeah. ‘Nuff said.
1. Elmo & Patsy – Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
“She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog and we’d begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication, so she staggered out the door into the snow
When we found her Christmas mornin’ at the scene of the attack
She had hoof prints on her forehead and incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back
It’s not Christmas without Grandma, all the family’s dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder, should we open up her gifts or send them back?”
It’s a Christmastime classic. We’ve all heard it. And yet, it never stops being just so, so horrible.
Featured image by: Chris Bartow